I worked on "Grace" for a few days and by the deadline I had given myself, I just wanted to be done - errors or not. My counselor suggested I spend a little time honoring the day of Curtis' accident - and I decided to write down the happenings of the day. I'm glad I did both.
Now, though, I am kind of feeling over feeling sad. Sick of it. Done with it. Ready to think about something else. Not wanting to wade through it. I've paid it homage, spent my time with it as I needed to. I'm not wallowing, though. I'm not drowning in it. I'm realizing that part of this healthy moving on is acknowledging I have a complex, weird life. Remember, I am large and contain multitudes.
Our lives are not books with chapters that we can turn the page on and close. They are more akin to pieces of music.
Composers start with a theme and build the piece around that theme. The theme may start out very strong and clear. But over time the theme may be only heard in bits and pieces carried by one instrument or another. Perhaps the theme has slowed down or sped up. And maybe the theme is played in a different key. Perhaps the rhythm has changed slightly. But it is woven throughout that piece making appearances when you know it is coming but also likely when you least expect it. It is absorbed into a larger song.
Time for good stuff.
This is in my top 5 pictures favorite of Curtis. First, he is in his underwear, and what woman doesn't like to have pictures of her man in his underwear? I could go on and on about the things that make me gush - my 2 month old baby girl in pajamas that show her little body. Curtis' legs which I always loved - I have a thing for calves. Don't ask. His tattoos. How his hands completely encompass her little torso.
Here I am. Giving birth. My swollen 9-month pregnant body in all its pale January glory (I better hit "Publish" before I rethink posting this). I was in the midst of a contraction and he was helping me get through it. My midwife dug out our camera and took this picture along with others that are sealed in my safe. I think his positioning says it all.
Camping at Apple River Canyon State Park. Waking up. It was a beautiful park and I can't wait to go back.
Savannah, GA. I went with him to a college friend's wedding in South Carolina just weeks after beginning to date him. (I'm laughing inside thinking what Clara will think when she finds this out.) We went to Savannah for a few nights, then Nashville after the wedding before heading back North. We couldn't keep our hands off each other that entire trip. I remember us - very seriously - saying we needed to take a break - but that didn't last long.
Another trip to South Carolina a few years later. Again - a favorite picture. This was taken during an amazing season of our relationship. Pre-living together. The height of a lot of fun before we hit a fairly rocky patch.
My senior year at Augustana in the house I rented with 3 of my friends (pictured, including others). Curtis and I are on the far right. Most of the pictures of us early on show him with a hand on me (see above in the Savannah picture - he often had a hand behind me and one on my stomach). He had a bit of a possessive streak early on.